365 Day Overhaul
April 15th. Snow Storm. 3:45 pm. Woman reaches for computer and suddenly realizes she has a tinyletter after many months...possibly a full year of neglect.
Blame it on the spring time snow storm in Toronto, or the soft broadway tracks playing in the background of my apartment I’m subletting, or the fact that I am still in bed at now 3:50pm, but I am feeling nostalgic. Earlier this week I was gifted with a “Remember This” moment from Facebook. Now, I usually pay no attention to those Facebook “memories” because being reminded of how thin my arms were when I was 23 is the harshest punishment anyone could ever receive. But this week a photo popped up of me, arms covered, from my time in Los Angeles about a year ago and I felt like I was looking at a stranger. It was like looking at a stranger. Who was this 31 year old woman, spending her birthday wearing a big hat and petting a cow? This story isn’t about the cow.
Now, to be clear I wasn’t looking at this picture and feeling bad for myself, I was looking at it and realizing how SO MUCH CAN HAPPEN TO YOU IN 365 DAYS. Am I the only one who forgets that? We always focus on how life is short but can we discuss how life is also very friggen long. I am in no way the same person I was 365 days ago. How did that happen? Or more importantly when? What day did it all change? Was it a Monday? Wednesday? Was it that Saturday in 2017 where I mediated for like 4 minutes until I got hungry?
There have been big life changes within those 365 days but when did they all roll into each other and culminate into a new version of me? When did my eyes start seeing things differently? When did my heart start feeling differently? Why am I softer in some ways and harder in others? When did I just become this new version of myself?
WHO ALLOWED THIS?
I don’t remember having that discussion with my body. Did it just change overnight? Was I really not hungover that one Thursday? Was it just my body dealing with a 365 day overhaul? Did I shed my old 2017 skin? I hope not because that’s because snakes are full ew. But I feel like I have. Double ew.
Friends of mine have mentioned that they’ve noticed a change, which makes me think when was the last time they hung out with the old me? When did they share their last laugh, cry, beer, fight, hug with the 31 year old, cow petter, me? And no, I won’t talk about the cow.
When did they get introduced to this new 2018 version? And, when will they unknowingly say goodbye to this current version before the next 365 day overhaul? When will I ever pet a cow again?
THIS IS NOT ABOUT THE COW!
I am still in bed. And have chalked this day up as a “right off” or “write off” if I was punny, which I’m not. So “right off” it is. But is today. April 15th 2018 an actual right off? Or did I wake up new?
In 365 days you can fall in love, fall out of love, move, lose weight, gain weight, love yourself, hate yourself, feel great, barf, laugh, cry, laugh cry, move again, feel overwhelmed, embarrass yourself, get your shit together, lose your shit, feel so profoundly lonely, buy something you love, sell something you love because you are moving AGAIN! Meet new people who change your perspective on the world, get diarrhea from a restaurant you vow to never go to again, lose friends, pet a cow, go back to that same restaurant but have a great time which makes you forget about that one time you got super bad diarrhea...and suddenly. With no warning. You are changed. New. Different. With wider arms and a diarrhea story that no one ever wants to hear about. Why have I forgotten all of these details?
I struggle with being present. It’s really hard for me because it means that I have to show up and be myself every day and to be honest avoiding is kinda my specialty. But because I haven’t really been present these last 365 days I am now just meeting this new version of myself, and I feel guilty because had I been a little more present I could have already known her. Noticed the changes and embraced them. Instead I’m just casually dating myself now and seeing if I want this new me to stick around. Does that make sense or do I need to see a doctor?
I shouldn’t need a social media platform with a troubling privacy policy to remind me of what happened. But sometimes it’s nice. Because forgetting about that cow, big hat, and where you’ve been and where you are is a nice reminder.
Thanks for reading. I’m rusty. I hope you stick around.
-Stacey
instagram/twitter: @TheStaceyMcG